Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
