maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
