i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I faked an abortion last night.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
The air was thick with penises
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
