when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
