Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
