I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
