i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
