don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
