There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
