My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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