i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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