I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
