would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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