Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
