Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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