i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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