she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
