Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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