In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
