so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
