He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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