i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
