Midget sex pt 2 tonight
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
