just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
