I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
