How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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