Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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