I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
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