he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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