you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
