Your dad touched me again.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
