I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
