Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
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