Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Let's paint friendship bongs
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
