We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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