I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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