Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.�
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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