I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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