Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
