she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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