I heard we made out
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
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