I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
