I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
