I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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