He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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