Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
