Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
