I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Randomize
