Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Randomize
