the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
