Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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